Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ye Olde Man Den

This is where all the magic used to happen in Astoria, Queens! Most of this stuff is boxed up here in Philly in our "writing studio".


Yes, I know YOU never eat there.
Yes, I know it's not good for you.
Yes, I know they are an eyesore in every city and 
    highway exit.
Yes, I saw SUPER-SIZE ME and guess what?

It made me crave two all-beef patties, special
sauce,lettuce,cheese,pickles,onions on a sesame seed

That's right, my friends, I will climb to the top of
Hamburger Hill and scream to the heavenly heavens. . .


I love the milkshakes that have no dairy in them

I love the salty pressed potato product they call
french fries!

I love the orange drink that has tasted the same since
the 1970's.

I love how no matter where I go, how far I travel, the
food always tastes the same.
How is that POSSIBLE?!?
It is truly a magical miracle of food engineering!

I love the Dollar Menu (even though everything in
Manhattan is $1.29.)

I love how they thought that a SCARY CLOWN was the way
to go for a CORPORATE MASCOT and that he has a huge,
purple, diabetic, mikshake stealing best friend named

I love buying Happy Meals so I can get the cool toys
for myself!

I love how they are re-modeling all of their "dining
areas" to look like STARBUCKS so people will want to
hang out there.

I love how there is always a gaggle of senior citizens
sitting in the "dining aera" drinking endless cups of

I love the breakfast menu, and, I shit you not, If I
have to awake before noon there is a 90 percent chance
I will be eating a sausage biscuit with two hash

I love that feeling that when I am eating there, I am
eating with AMERICA, the whole greasy lot of them!

God bless us all!
We all eat there.
We have all eaten there.
We would miss it if they closed tomorrow.

So, up yours, Spurlock!
I'll never read Fast Food Nation!
You can't make me!
I deserve a break today!
So yes, I will take two apple pies for a dollar!
Thank you, Ray Kroc for making this country 3 billion
hamburgers strong!